Emma’s Story
Each rapid breath stabbed at my chest as rivers of sweat ran down my face and onto the ground. I struggled to ignore the scorching pains shooting from my spine. I had been in the volleyball game for no more than 10 minutes, yet paralyzing aches rendered me incapable of standing. Autoimmune disease is a form of self-destruction disguised as a remedy—incurable and terrifying, powered by something mysterious. Yet at that moment, I could only think, I must look so stupid right now.
I held my pounding head in my hands, solely worried about the people surrounding me. This moment wasn’t just about physical pain–it epitomized the grip that my fear of judgment had on my life. Whether in the classroom or on the court, I trapped myself in cycles of self-doubt that kept me from engaging with the world. Anxiety provided me with a false sense of security–it was a form of self-destruction disguised as a remedy.
My frustration with anxiety's unidentifiable origin was as intense as the humiliation it caused. There was no explanation for why a flare-up of anxious thoughts was constantly imminent. Yet its destruction wasn’t planted in my DNA–it was something I created myself. But why? I believed overcoming these fears required uncovering their cause. Something must have made them—but what? This question relentlessly followed me…
In my sophomore English class, a suffocating mass of anxiety seized my chest when my teacher asked us to share a quote from our book. He asked a question about the chapter–the one I had written an entire page about for homework. Before I knew it, my hand shot up to answer, and an enthusiastic smile lit up on my teacher’s face. For the first time, the weight in my chest lifted, leaving me with a newfound sense of confidence…
That same mass in my chest reappeared as I stood alongside dozens of players at volleyball camp the following summer. During the first drill, the impulse to cheer for my team was too powerful despite those fears urging me otherwise. The next day, the director pulled me aside, astonished by this change in my energy and dedication from the previous volleyball season. Once again, I noticed that weight had vanished…
Those agonizing fears of judgment began to dissipate as a result of my longing to share my perspectives in class and to build community on the volleyball court. From becoming a leader of various groups to the captain of my volleyball team, leadership showed me my ability to overshadow those feelings of isolation that once consumed my life. I sought to meet new people and form meaningful relationships with them, providing me with a renewed sense of what I am capable of–a true remedy for my anxiety.
But like the scientists who don’t understand the biological cause of my autoimmune disease, I still don’t know where my anxiety comes from either. I am grateful to take prescribed medication to effectively treat the symptoms of my disease even without understanding its cause and accept that my anxiety might quietly linger without ever uncovering the something that started it. The origins of these challenges are unknown but not insurmountable. In accepting uncertainty, I have learned to take action rather than dwelling on the unknown. Instead of being frustrated by the inevitability of confusing challenges, I look forward to them, knowing that I will grow in the presence of their hardship. As new challenges arise, I don’t question or dread them. Instead, I think back to that volleyball game, that time in class, that day at camp–all those times when those anxious thoughts almost took me, but I wouldn’t let them.
Overcoming those moments taught me that every challenge is an opportunity to prove my doubts wrong. Now, I only focus on the strength I will gain from facing them, confident they will shape me into the person I am meant to become. Living with a chronic illness—and the anxiety that often comes with it—isn’t about finding a reason why. It’s about learning to embrace the unknown and choosing to live fully anyway.